Negative Self Talk: It’s Not Just About You
Our culture is very adamant that you must not make much of yourself.
You must downplay your accomplishments, brains, humor, style, and everything else about you. Because if you don’t, you might be… ARROGANT! *gasp* And while arrogance is not a pleasant quality in a person, I think that we swing the pendulum way too far in the other direction. Instead of being proud of an accomplishment we’ve made, we quickly brush it off as if it’s nothing. Or if a friend compliments our new outfit, we roll our eyes and say, “I feel like I can’t pull it off”.
Because in our culture, humility = self-deprecation
These things may seem minor, but this mindset can lead to bigger issues with confidence and self worth. And the thing is, you’re not the only person affected by your negative self talk. Your daughter, sister, friend, mom, and everyone else that hears you bash yourself? They’re affected by it, too.
I read an article where they interviewed moms and daughters (separately) on the issue of body image and self confidence. The interviewer asked the daughters to explain how their moms talked about themselves, and how it affected them. An alarming amount of girls said the same thing; that when their moms said something bad about the way they look, it made the daughters feel badly, because they look like their moms. Of course, the moms said nothing negative about their daughters. But how they perceived themselves affected how their daughters perceived themselves. Bottom line? We have GOT to be careful about what we say. And not just in the mother-daughter relationship.
How does it make you feel when your friend speaks poorly about themselves, looks or otherwise? Terrible, right?! You immediately tell them they’re wrong, that’s not true, they’re perfect and beautiful and smart and funny. I don’t think anyone would speak to their friends the way they speak to themselves.
FYI: I am no exception. GUILTY AS CHARGED. I am working on this daily by doing the three steps below.
But before we get to that, I must rant for a moment. Particularly when talking negatively about our appearance, can we PLEASE stop saying, “I need to get to the gym more”?
THE GYM WILL NOT SOLVE YOUR BODY ACCEPTANCE ISSUES.
Plus, that’s a surefire way to give your friends a complex about their own bodies. Chances are, your friends think you’re a smoke show. They probably have a better view of your body than their own. So talking negatively about yours is going to make them think, “Well if she thinks that about HER body, then there is DEFINITELY something wrong with mine”. So let’s just not and say we did. Or not.
So what should we do instead?
Pay attention. Start just by noticing when you talk negatively about yourself. Whether it’s out loud or in your thoughts, just take a moment to pause and non-judgmentally notice that it happened. This is NOT another thing for you to beat yourself up about. Just notice it and move on.
Change your language. Once you’ve started noticing these words or thoughts, start to change them. For example, instead of, “I’m a terrible cook” say, “I’m learning how to cook”. Or instead of, “I’ll never get that promotion” think, “I’m going to work my hardest to earn that promotion”. Small changes in our mindset lead to big differences in our lives.
Be proud of yourself. Once your mindset is in a better place, you’ll start to think these positive thoughts much more naturally. But don’t just think them, say them out loud. When someone gives you a compliment, try just saying, “Thank you!” Crazy idea, I know. People like to give compliments, so don’t make them feel bad for giving it to you. You can be proud without being arrogant, so please don’t feel the need to undermine yourself so you can look extra humble.
This is not an easy thing to do, but I know a quick and easy way to start, even before doing the three things above. Go follow some boss girls! And I don’t just mean bikini models who travel the world (although they are probably bosses and I have nothing against them). I mean some women who are going to lift you up with their words and inspire you with their actions. They don’t need to be famous, just find some women who are living big and taking up space in the world. Women who don’t lessen themselves to fit society’s standards.
Who you follow impacts your mindset. A whole lot. So make your scrolling time a positive experience. Not one where you close your phone hating your life because you don’t live in a hut on a beautiful island in the Caribbean. And same goes for your IRL relationships, too. I’m sure you have so many boss women in your life already. Spend more time with them, and less time gossiping with the people too jealous of other people’s lives to get out there and create their own kick butt life. You deserve better than that. I promise you, the way to create the life you want is NOT by putting yourself down. And remember, it doesn’t just affect you, but everyone around you, too.
By living big and not shrinking into the background, we can help shape the next generation’s mindset in a positive way. Let’s teach them that we can applaud others for their bravery and confidence, while also being proud of ourselves. And that it’s possible to be confident AND humble at the same time.
My dear, you are so loved by so many.
Your purpose in this world isn’t to shrink, but to take up space.
Why don’t you try talking to yourself like you’d talk to your friend. I dare you.