Independence [from a fire wife's perspective]

In some ways I’ve always been independent.

As a child, I was “strong-willed”, or whatever the PC term is for a pain in the you know what. As a teen, my parents (sometimes) saw this as a positive since they knew I wasn’t going to be peer pressured into doing things I didn’t want to do. As an adult, I find this to be a strength of mine, especially at work.

But in other ways, I’ve been completely reliant on others.

For most of my life, I’ve looked for happiness or fulfillment in my relationships with others. Family, friends, my husband, etc. It took a long time for me to realize that the only person who could fill me the way I desired was Jesus. Because the thing about growing up in church is, you hear certain things your whole life, and though they are true, it’s hard to put them into practical, everyday use.

So after Michael and I got married, it wasn’t long before we moved to a new state and he started working for the fire department. And at first, it was really hard for me. I was lucky to have some of my family close by, and they were beyond wonderful. But I was still struggling internally because I had placed my happiness in my relationship with my husband. So when he wasn’t there, it was hard to be “happy”. (FYI-there was a lot of other stuff going on at the time, too. Another story for another day.)

And y’all. Being married to a firefighter is HARD (shout out to the other shift workers as well). I don’t talk about it much, because I choose to look at it from an abundance mindset. There are SO many great aspects of his job, and I don’t ever want to take those things for granted. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Being home alone for days at a time, missing birthdays and holidays with each other, and most notably, the fear that something terrible is going to happen to him are all things that I struggle with to this day. And if you’re in the same boat as me-it’s okay to struggle with these things. Recently, I’ve been hard on myself just for having these “negative” thoughts. I’m at a point where I think I “shouldn’t” be focusing on the hard stuff. But that’s real life, and avoiding those feelings is way less healthy than feeling them and moving on. I can miss my husband and still be a boss.

Because what I’ve come to realize is that being “independent” doesn’t mean that I don’t need nobody, or that I can fix the dishwasher, or defend myself if someone broke in (although that’d be pretty cool and I should probably take some self defense classes). To me, being independent is being fulfilled by who I am in Christ. And it’s starting to become more clear to me what this actually looks like in everyday life. For example, instead of throwing a pity party when Michael leaves for his 48 hour shift, I think, “Thank you, God, for giving me this time to work on my new business. I’m so grateful that I get to help people and show them your love”.

Sounds pretty cheesy, right? But this and other affirmations are what remind me of how strong and capable I am.

By myself. No. Matter. What.

And as I sit here, home alone, I’m completely content. Sure, Christmas, New Years Eve, and our anniversary will be a little sad this year since we’re again in a new state. And bad days totally happen. But overall, I’ve never felt more fulfilled, which brings a peace that nothing else can.

If you know a spouse spending the holidays alone, give them a call and remind them that they make the world a better place. All on their own.

What makes you feel empowered in who you are?